Happy Halloween, Monsters!

I wish that I was a better holiday mom. 

one that made holiday themed treats and planned fun activities for my guy.

T and I have never really been "holiday people" 

But this year Grandma Campbell and I came on a Halloween costume early!

Simple, warm and absolutely adorable!

Maybe we will go out and find some trouble.

 And some treats.

Definitely treats. 

Happy Halloween, monsters!

xx - r

Weaning 101. The Boob Battle.

When Easton was very young

we decided to exclusively give him breastmilk from a bottle.

I blogged about the reason HERE

Since then

Exclusively pumping has been a journey. 

I met my goal of storing 2000 ounces of breastmilk a few weeks ago

and was debating wether it was time to wean off the pump or keep going

By that point I was developing lots of cracks and sores on my breasts, that were making it very hard to continue. I cried every pump. 

It was wearing on me. 

I was exhausted and on pain killers all the time and perpetually discouraged. 

I compramised with myself by dropping my number of daily pumps from 5 to 4, and then a few days later to 3.

I was running a fever for over a week and kept thinking I was getting the cold that had been going around our house

but it never came

Instead my right breasts got more and more sore. 

One night as I tried to fall asleep, feeling nauseous and fevered, I rolled over and felt a hard lump going all along the underside of my breast. 

I consulted Dr Google, and decided that I should probably go to the hospital that night, because It was too late to go to my GP, and I was probably not getting any sleep anyways. 

I left T with the baby and went in to Emergency. 

A few hours later I left with a script for some antibiotics, some strong painkillers (that I couldn't take if I wanted to continue to feed Easy my milk) and a diagnosis of mastitis that we caught just before the point of needing IV antibiotics. 

Over the next 3 days my fever peaked and then broke. 

I moved from 3 pumps a day to 1

many women fight bouts of mastitis through their whole breastfeeding experience.

but mine broke my spirit.

My will to continue was shot and I decided I was going to wean. 

Right now. 

I researched the best ways to wean. 

Most resources encouraged a slow and steady approach. drop one pump every few weeks, for risk of developing mastitis. 

I figured that since I was on antibiotics for mastitis currently and for the next several days, my risk of mastitis was low. 

I maintained one pump a day while trying the following methods to reduce my breastmilk production:

Cold cabbage compress : literally... get the leaves of of a cabbage head and put them in your bra. the cold felt so relieving, and there is a component in them that will naturally dry up milk. Honestly, I didn't find any reduction in milk for the week I had cabbage leaves lying around my house... but it felt pretty good! 

I had such an oversupply, I needed extra help reducing my milk.

next I tried an over the counter nasal decongestant. Sudafed. 

I actually got one step stronger from behind the counter. it was called Eltor 120. 

besides having an amazingly clear nose, I actually did see massive milk reduction within 2 days of using sudafed and cabbage leaves together. 

I eventually was able to only pump when I REALLY needed to. 

first it was 24 hours before I needed to pump a bit to get relief... then 36...

Now, after 2 weeks of trying, I haven't pumped in 5 days. 

my emotions are through the roof. 

Every time I pull a bag of breastmilk out of the freezer for E, I cringe, knowing that I'm one day closer to running out, and having to give him formula. And I feel like I have let him down.

The guilt is immense.

I know how unreasonable that sounds. I really do. 

Lots of kids eat formula from day one. I just thought I would be different. 

I also didn't do my homework. 

I have had a very teary few days. 

my hormone levels dropped like mad with such a quick wean. 

When I started scouring the internet.. I came across from this beautifully written blog post by A cup of Jo on post-weaning depression. 

an abrupt wean from the pump may not have been the best idea.

so the next journey is fighting through the next few weeks to keep my head up.

To know that I made the right decision.

I have a supportive husband and family

And im enjoying spending less time hooked up to the boob-sucker

and more time with my little boy.

xx - r

Good.

So, I took a couple of week hiatus from my blog. 

It was not for lack of things to talk about...

It was just for lack of motivation...

2 weeks ago I started feeling crummy. really crummy.

tired.sickly.nauseous.fevered. 

and I will clear the air here. I am NOT pregnant. 

feeling sick was compounded by cracks and blisters from pumping. it was getting so hard.

Easton was getting mobile. What was I  going to do? 

I felt overwhelmed and stressed.

I hit a wall with my pumping early last week when I got a nasty case of mastitis that sent me to the hospital. I guess those cracks led to a deep-set infection.

I decided late last week that it was time to stop pumping. 

Since then my life has been a blur of antibiotics, cabbage leaves and sudafed. all to quell the pain of weaning. 

I didn't think it would be that hard to quit the pump to be honest. 

I was wrong. 

I might follow this post up with a detailed description of my weaning experience... I scanned the internet for help with weaning when you produce twice as much milk as your baby eats... it was all encouraging a long process of dropping pumps over weeks or even months. And that was NOT okay with my breasts. When I was ready to be done. 

I meant it. 

To be continued....

ANYWAYS. 

our family is good. 

This stinker is BUSY!

Full on crawling.

nothing is safe. 

If he can crawl to it, he's climbing up it and then falling off of it. 

We have a few good head-bumps for the books already. 

daddy found this car at once upon a child

Remember these??

we keep it at Grandmas house. he LOVES it. 

my days are filled with more playing now that im pumping less. 

its nice. 

I will try and get back into this whole blogging business. 

The naps are getting shorter and shorter

which means the house gets dirtier and dirtier

the laundry pile gets bigger and bigger

the dinners get worse and... well, they were already pretty bad...

being the mommy to a boy will be a challenge for me I think.

but Im ready.

I hope! 

xx - r

When the crying gets too loud.

Today was one of those days

One of those unglamorous days 

Probably the most frustrating of all my days of mommyhood yet. 

Hey, they can't all be happy posts right?

Easton is going through a phase. 

At least I hope it's a phase.

He wants to be held. All the time. 

and if your not holding him? its like this...

Today I made a chicken pot pie.

I started cutting veggies when easy went down for his nap. 

Or so I thought. 

Before I knew it he was up and crying to be held.

I cut all the vegetables  with my 6 month old sitting near me on the kitchen floor. 

When the screaming got too loud, I took a break and tried putting on a show. (Don't judge me... Diego is the bomb)

I Cut veggies and cooked chicken for approximately 7 minutes.

When the screaming got too loud, I took a break and put him in his jolly jumper. 

I made the sauce for the pie... About 10 minutes.

When the screaming got too loud (and I worried about a knock on the door from our downstairs condo neighbors) I took him to his room... A little exasperated at this point.

I settled him down and put the pie together. Maybe 4 minutes.

When the screaming got too loud, I unsucessfully tried to feed a bottle, rocking, singing... These all made him happy... 

Until I put him down.

When the screaming got too loud...

I thought he might be hurting.

I administered Tylenol

and,

The crying continued.

Now, don't get me wrong... By this point in Easys life, I know what his different cries are... It wasn't a hurt cry, a sick cry, or even a sad cry... It was an angry cry. 

I get it. He just wanted to be held all day... who doesn't? I realize that my awesome mother award has been closed up for some time now, buried 6 feet underground with my domestication award. 

But I just couldn't do it. I was ready to cry myself... I needed a break.

Now,

I'm going to admit something.

Sometimes you just need to put the baby in a safe place, and breathe.

I put him in his crib, kissed his head and closed the door.

I sat down and pumped.

The crying got loud.... 

My crying started....

But then it got quiet. 

I checked the moniter, feeling like maybe I had neglected my child by leaving him to cry, and would soon hear the police at my door and appear on the news as the worst mother ever, other mothers shaking their heads at my trial.

but

He was playing.

kind of like this:

 And within 5 minutes

He was asleep. 

For like. 20 minutes.

20.Glorious.minutes.

When he woke up, I had enough of a fresh head that I did hold him for a long time, we played and loved on each other.

He fell asleep again a while later (his nap schedule is messed)

I decided to make cookies.

...(*instert head-shake here)

And when the crying got too loud... 

I did it all again. 

I'm sitting in the bath while I write this.

E is finally tucked into bed for what I hope is the whole night.

I had the best intentions for today. 

I wanted to make a pie from scratch, cookies! Go to the gym! Collect my "awesome wife and mother award" and call it a day. 

But I'm in the bath, eating my cookies... That didn't turn out great, by the way. 

See, stirring in chocolate chips while you sit on the floor singing old McDonald to a screaming 6 month old can make you not as... Thorough as you should be. probably half of the chips ended up on the floor, mixed in with the several kinds of baby snacks I had tried to give E. 

Tomorrow I will try again... I'm figuring out that the awesome wife and mother award doesn't have to include a clean house and fresh baked goods every day... right?

And when my crying gets too loud... I guess I would want someone to hold me too. 

xx -r