.Post-Partum Depression.

With a previous history of depression and anxiety, I was told repeatedly during my pregnancy that I was a prime candidate for post-partum depression.

When I went in for Easy's vaccinations last week, the health nurse sat me down AGAIN and asked me, in several different ways, if I was experiencing post-partum depression.

I have to say, I never had really thought about what exactly that entails... do you feel sad? lethargic? angry? confused? do you ever feel overwhelmed?

Who doesn't feel like that sometimes?

its a confusing thing... and tough to talk about.

but let me say first, I don't think that I have post partum. Depression is something I have battled since I can remember. and im pretty sure im winning the battle.

But

I woke up early the other morning and

 .didnt. .want. .to. .move. 

When Easy got up around 5, I drug out of bed and made him a bottle. I changed his diaper, left him in his sleeper and brought my baby, and a warm bottle back to my bed. 

I proceeded to stay in that bed, only getting up to pump a bottle every few hours, until I had to go pick up T from work that night... oh, about 7pm. Easy and I played in bed, watched movies and napped litterally all day. 

When I picked up T, he asked what was wrong. I was clearly distraught.

I told him through tears that I couldn't get out of bed that day. I didnt do anything on my eccentric to-do list. I hadnt worked out in days and was feeling awful.

I told him I thought I was slipping. it was an all-too familiar feeling. 

.Depression.

"Do you think I have post-partum?"

Then my husband told me something that snapped me back to reality.

"Rach... your allowed to have bad days... even the greatest people in the world have bad days"

I have this perpetual fear of having to go back on anti-depressants. having to go back to a psychiatrist and hearing something I dont want to know. I tie every reaction I have to anything back to mental illness. 

And im working so hard.

I have hobbies. I love taking photos (even if they are just timer photos of myself, Easton or just things around me) I love editing those photos. I like to bake. sing. watch movies... I can do so many things... And for the most part, im okay with people not liking my baking or my selfies or the movies I like. I try not to let things beat me.

But this day beat me. 

What my husband said struck home. 

Yes, that day had beat me... but because I noticed it, I could take it for what it was... 

A bad day. 

Post-partum Depression is real. it is terrifyingly real. And I feel complete empathy with anyone who has to go through it, in whatever form. 

I had family rally around me after the birth of my son. I spend the first 6 weeks of my baby's life with one of my mother's. that saved me. 

I have an EPIC support system. 

I am anti-social. But I have been working my socially anxious butt off trying to be a mom that gets out of the house with my guy. 

I think I will continue to have days that beat me. Actually, I know I will. 

I was blessed with an amazingly patient, quiet baby. I am blessed with a patient, loving husband. 

I will beat my bad days.

xx - r